The White Walls

The white walls,


They speak to me.


They tell me:


There's no going home now,


This is where you belong.


The voices,


They're so loud.


They're screaming.


I can't stop the voices.




-Jessica

Regretted Promises

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"You gotta promise, okay?"
I kept that promise, okay?
Are you better now, Jay?
I kept that promise, okay?

Cuts, scars, bruises, some bones broken.
None of them were self-inflicted.
Man, Jay,I thought you were jokin'.
The whole time I felt conflicted.
How could a father be so wicked?

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"You gotta promise, okay?"
I kept that promise, okay?
I didn't tell anyone, Jay.
I kept that promise, okay?

Cop cars with medics, running in your home.
I wish you didn't make me promise.
Cause I regretted it as I watched your mother roam.
Over to your body she went, to leave a kiss.
Dear god if only someone else had known.

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"You gotta promise, okay?"
I kept that promise, okay?
But look where you're at now, Jay.
Was keeping that promise, okay?

Now I'm sitting at your funeral.
Regretting the simple promise I made.
While miles away your father gets no chance of parole.
I look at you, and the price you paid.
If only I could have told.

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"You gotta promise,...okay?"
I kept that promise, Jay..
I don't know what else to say..

I know life isn't perfect, I am not either, I wish i could find some place of peace.Where there is no one. A perfect place. Sometimes I don't mean to say or do things, but I do or say them anyways. Sometimes people don't understand. The human is a species that no scientists can explain, I know this to be true because I cant be explained. I've questioned life, but somehow life is good, yet it seems impossible. I love life. I love the people in my life. I love the way the grass feels on my feet, yet I dont understand why i have the sensation. Maybe I take advantage of grass..and the way it feels, maybe I don't. Maybe the grass takes advantage the warmth of my feet. I don't know, all I know is that I'm not perfect..neither is life. I wish there was a place that was. -Catrina

Addictions

( Author's note: Not to sure how I feel about this one. Also to get the full effect, imagine me reading this. By now, if you know me well enough, you should know how I would read this. 'Ya know, snobby & sarcastic. ;) )


60 pills
2 a day
Should last about a month

You see, I've been dealing with this
Shit for over a year now.

8 pills left
2 a day
Should last 4 days

I can't say I'm addicted to 
These pills
Because you can't get addicted to them.

But I am addicted to them.

Not scientifically or however you want to describe an
Addiction

But the idea of them.

To be honest, these pills suck now.
They worked at first,
Making me loopy as hell.
I didn't feel a thing,
I was numb to the outside world and I was
Invincible.

I pretty much thought that this high would last
Forever.

I was oblivious.

So now is about the time the 'low' hits.

8 pills left
2 a day
Should last 4 days.

I think it's all in my head.
This addiction crap,
I mean it is obviously,
But I'm addicted to the fact that
These pills used to work,

Even though I don't admit it.

I'm afraid.

I have four days left.

Four major pain free days,
Four minor pain filled days.

What's going to happen to me 
In four days?

Is it going to be so
UNBEARABLE
that I can't take it?

Will I need to form a new
Addiction?

Perhaps I'll take up drinking to ease this
Pain.

I always did like the whiskey my parents kept in the cabinet.

I loved the burn,
And the way it made my stomach all warm.
Almost like sitting in front of the fire
In the dead of a winter's night
With my favorite book and tea in hand.

But that's all an illusion.
What happens when they realize
All the whiskey is gone?

Being the oldest child,
I can't blame it on my brother's kick-ass party while they were gone.
Or my sister's friend said she drank it all the time,
But they drank a little bit too much.

Perhaps I'll visit an old friend,
He'd be so glad to see me.
I was addicted to him once too.

That subsided,
But it never went away.
It just fell asleep,
Only to be awakened when I couldn't 
Bare this pain any longer.

My friend was always cold.
When he touched my skin, 
It was like electricity.

And when he bit my arms and thighs, it made me bleed.

You see, my friend was not a man, he was a blade.

You would have never guessed it, huh?

Jessica,
A cutter?
No.

But the truth is, I was.
Until I got sick of wearing 
Sweaters in the middle of the summer.

0 pills left
2 a day

Time to form a new addiction.

-Jessica

Night Sweats

Fear, is the sister to I anger
I think.

They walk hand in hand,
Laughing at pain with no shame.

And hand in hand they come to me.

Anger, the brother, making clear
how ironic this is.
(I who wanted to close this book)
That I should fear,
I'm something more then paranoid.

Fear, the sister, laughs at my naivety,
That I would choose the end.
That I was not afraid.

Till the night sweats came,
with a bump, a gift from family.

Speak Poem

I am outcast.
I have nothing.
I say nothing.
I am nothing.

Social Life- F
I do not smile.
"I can't get a word out of her. She's mute."

A cloud cloaked the moon. Shadows looked like photo negatives.
He smells like beer and mean.
He hurts me.
Gets up, zips his jeans.
Smiles.

I rake the leaves out of my throat.
"You've been through a lot, haven't you?"
"Let me tell you about it."

Burnt Shells

            Today all I want is to float away,
             from stares
           
             real or imaginary, they burn all the same.
             hearts weren't meant to know
             that friendly fire is far deadlier than hostile can ever be.

           
              Today all I want is to ignore,
               truth

               that whispers that fear
               turns into grief
                       and grief
               to an empty shell.

                Today is a day to turn an ear,
                 to voices 

                that say hearts must be ready for pain
                because burnt out shell crumble
                and that emptiness begets emptiness
                and fear begets sterility of mind.

                so


                 Today is a day to tie down myself,
                  and quiet the anxious mind.